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P.I.R.I. News Archive

News Headlines in Thu 31 January 2005

Despotistan

Depotistani President Abudullah Mutawwa address to the UN: “We have no Homosexuals in Despotistan”

Depotistani President Abudullah Mutawwa in an address to the General Assembly of the United Nations vehemently denied that homosexuality existed in his country.

The announcement was met with a hushed silence from members of the Assembly, punctuated only by Mutawwa’s immediate follow-up: “They are all dead”. “We kill them all!” he somberly proclaimed with a deadpan face. Mutawwa instantly broke into a chuckle and apologised to the Assembly for making what he called his little “infidel joke”!

After an uncomfortable moment, Mutawwa added “Of course I did not mean it”, as if to reassure his audience. The President went on to say that, quite simply, such a thing as homosexuality did not exist in his devout Republic, stressing that it was totally alien to both Islamic and Despotistani culture. “We don’t have this problem in our society” he affirmed, adding, “This sort of thing happens in weak, decadent places like Texas and London … people like George Bush do that with other degenerate leaders from the West, especially Irishmen and Australians.”

“Despotistan is very liberal, peace-loving and tolerant society” he said. “In Despotistan, it is acceptable to have sex with a cat!”, he told the startled General Assembly, “as long as it is a Persian cat … but you cannot perform the “Beast with Two Backs” with members of your own genital group. It is forbidden. Allah would kill the offenders, and those members would have their members cut off! The God of all Gods would have them hanged, brought back to life and then torn apart limb from limb by rabid, frenzied wild camels!”

The Despotistani President rounded off his UN speech by chanting the mantra “God is great, God is merciful” two hundred and fifty times in Ancient Akkadian.

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